In light of the news of some predatory priests and bishops in the Catholic church, I can not in good conscience speak about it without looking at myself first, the path I have lead, and the means to which God brought me to His abyss of Mercy. As I reflect back on the years, and the hurt not only of myself but of everyone around me, I know without doubt that God can and will heal us. I expect however, no less from abusive clerics than has been expected of me. At least, that's what I pray for.
Each day more accusations, more testimony about who knows or knew what evil has been going on for the last 70 years surfaces. It makes my stomach churn, makes me feel physically ill as I see and know the fear that each offender realizes; the fear that keeps them from speaking the truth and bringing the dark things into the light. I know what I speak of because I have been there myself; living in fear of my sins being exposed.
So many, many years ago I lived my life in sexual sin, living an unchaste life. As a result, I allowed myself to be pushed into having two abortions. Two children who through no fault of their own had their lives snuffed out. Why? To hide the sinful life I was living. Sickened with myself, I ran to a relationship and marriage that I thought would save me, give me some sort of respect. It too, was a disaster.
Counselling (if you could call it that) with a very abusive, unlicensed counselor led to an eruption in my family that took decades to heal. You see, he and my husband (at that time), thought it best to tell my family all about my abortions. It devastated me. I, myself, never had the chance to tell them on my own, in my own time. But you know what? God can ,will and does use every devastating event, every eruption to His honor and glory.
In time, I've come to thank Him for it all. Everything kept in the dark needs to come to the light. I could not be converted if I had kept my dark secrets. I would never have been led to pray not only for my healing but for the lives of everyone effected by my grave sins. I wouldn't have been brought to a place where I could pray from the depths of my heart for all who led me down that dark path and to truly forgive them.
Without a life of penance and prayer, there is no healing. I know that to the core. This is my prayer for the Church. Wouldn't it be great if everyone who has ever hurt one of God's children, one of His sheep, if they publicly confessed? How wonderful it would be if they humbly came forward and confessed what they did or didn't do; what they knew and didn't act on? Maybe that's asking too much of those who live in the fear of their grave sins. Maybe they are still too addicted to the path they have taken and truth needs to be forced into the light.
As for me, I know that my path would never have changed course, nor would I have been converted had it not been for those sins being exposed for the ugliness of what they were. Because of this, it really doesn't matter to me how this infectious disease comes to the surface or by whom, as long as it does. For those guilty shepherds, those wolves in sheep's clothing, there is hope. But the only way is to acknowledge the sickness they are guilty of and repent. God will heal everything, even this grave moral evil, but only if it is brought to the light. I pray they will confess on their own. If not, I pray they confess when others bring their sickness to light.
Eruptions are opening up every day. It's only devastating if they are denied or ignored. These eruptions can be a blessing. Let the infection out. Confess the sins, grave as they are. Shepherds that are guilty can be converted. They can live their lives out in seclusion, penance, and prayer for themselves and everyone they have hurt. Make no mistake, I do not excuse anything these guilty men have done, just as I don't excuse my own grave sins. It just needs to be said that it is not too late for their souls. It wasn't too late for mine.
So, as we pray for all the victims, let us not forget to pray for the persecutors, and may the Good Lord forgive US our sins, as we learn to forgive those who sin against us.
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