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| Pieta at Blessed Sacrament, photo by Betty parquette |
More than 25 years ago I began counselling. There were many ways I lived my life which proved that there were deep, hidden, festering wounds which left unattended would ultimately become so infected and destroy me. It was almost a full year into these weekly sessions before the root cause of my self-destructive behavior became clear.
"Wait...back up a minute. Did you say you had an abortion?"
"Yes. We've talked about it before."
"No, we haven't. We need to talk a lot about this."
Ten years. It was ten years before I could utter those words. Ten years, constantly burying the pain of aborting two children God had intended as a gift...a gift that should have called me to my senses to live a better life; pure and chaste. Unable to cope, I drank heavily, numbing myself, and finding my life spiraling down, believing I was not worthy of redemption. And here I was, 10 years later in counselling which I so desperately needed: the beginning of many years of opening and reopening the wound in order to apply the salve.
Meeting with my counselor was incredibly helpful. She helped me to see how my behavior was rooted in abortion and self-loathing. Being able to envision the ages of my children at the time they were aborted assisted my grieving. I needed to see the dignity of their person. Naming my children was also an important step. But, there was one thing the counselor could not help me with, and that was my relationship with God. Oh, she recognized my desire to reconcile with Him, but she was not a christian counselor. She was 'a' christian who happened to be in secular counseling services. In all due respect, she tried...she really tried to minister to the need my heart so craved.
I was afraid to meet with any clergy I knew. Upon my counselors recommendation, I met with her pastor. I was told that he had a special ministry to post-abortive women. As I didn't know him and would most likely never see him again, I agreed to go. Unfortunately, this did not go well. Mercy is what I craved the most. Mercy is granted when someone confesses their wrong doing (because It Is Wrong) to someone who has the authority to grant it. We wouldn't know the depths of mercy if sin itself were non-existent. There would be no need...and I was in GREAT need.
Imagine my surprise, after making my 'confession' to this pastor, when he told me I had nothing to be sorry for! The reason being, he told me, was that sometimes it's the only choice and it should be safe and legal. He then 'confessed' to me that before abortion was legal, he assisted women in obtaining abortions. HE was assisting in back-alley abortions! Needless to say, I left a bit confused, thinking maybe he needed conversion a bit more than I did.
Fast forward more than 10 years later. Imagine me, sitting in a priests office, telling my story, my sorted past, believing I would be rejected for it, that I would hear him say to me that the Church has no place for sinners like me. Now imagine this: "Thank you for the honor of trusting me with your story." The 'honor'? Clearly this priest heard everything I had just spilled out over the last two hours. Clearly there were no excuses given. There was only the sense of God's abundant mercy which I had so long been desiring. As he asked if he could pray with me, my past anti-Catholic self wondered what sort of 'canned' prayer I would hear, but instead he prayed beautiful words of thanksgiving to God for bringing me all this way, and prayers for encouragement for the daily healing and conversion taking place. I left there with hope and the knowledge that I was worth redeeming.
My desire to write out these memories was triggered by New York Governor Cuomo. You see, he plans to expand abortion up to the date of birth for any reason. Included in his plan is the ability of someone other than a licensed physician to perform abortions and I wonder how this is considered health care. All those years ago before Roe v Wade one of the arguments for abortion was to do away with unsafe, back-alley abortions. What Cuomo is suggesting here is to legalize the equivalent of back-alley abortions. How is it that we live in a world that doesn't see how abortion is not and never has been safe under any circumstance? Abortion is so familiar now, lacking the shock it should have, that anyone can perform one legally?
In stark opposition to Cuomo, AND the pastor I met with so many years ago, Bishop Scharfenberger of Albany has written an open letter rejecting the proposed law which would make New York the most dangerous place for an un-born child and it's mother outside of China. I stand with this courageous bishop. Women deserve better, and women who have been deeply damaged by the deathly laws of this land are craving mercy. My pastors and bishop understand this. Bishop Scharfenberger gets this too.
Pastors, regardless of what church you are affiliated with, men and women need mercy, not excuses. They need reconciliation with God, allowing them to grieve. The Good Shepherd lays down His life for His sheep. He says, 'This is my body given for you'. As shepherds, follow His example, be an example to your flock. Show us by example what it looks like to give up our desires, to sacrifice for the other, to take responsibility for our actions so that those who face 'difficult choices' would find it is far less difficult to say to their un-born child, 'this is my body given for you', knowing that to kill another deemed inconvenient would leave them craving mercy. Choose to love. Choose life!
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